im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
