dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
