he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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