im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
