my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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