I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
