we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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