I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
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While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
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Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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