i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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