Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
