he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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