I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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