That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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