the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
