She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
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Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
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Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize