i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
