Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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