the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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