She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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