She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
