i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
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I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
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I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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