You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
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At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
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the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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