my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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