We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
