everyone is single if you try hard enough
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Randomize
