i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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