I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
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i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
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Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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