So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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