i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
