I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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