Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
