If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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