the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
