I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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