this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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