he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
