just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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