She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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