if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
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I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
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Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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