so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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