Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
