last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
