I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
