im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
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He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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