as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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