I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
