cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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