I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
being pregnant is like rehab
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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