Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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