I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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