sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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