yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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