that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
