I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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