i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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