Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
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We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
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TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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