He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
