One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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